“There’s lots of new evidence that was made public this week in the Trayvon Martin case. He did have marijuana in his system, a drug that has never made anyone on Planet Earth violent. And at the moment that he confronted or was confronted by the wannabe cop loser who was stalking him, turns out he probably did beat the shit out of that guy. I just want to say, if I had a son he would not look like Trayvon Martin, but I hope he would act like him.”
Bill Maher, Real Time (05/18/2012)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of math, gravity, evolution, and electricity to honor brother Edward and to send the powers of Seal Team 666 to rescue him from Planet Klolobb so he may spend eternity with the kind of free-thinkers he chose to hang out with on Earth.
So by the power granted to me by the Blair Witch, schlemiel schlimazel, e plurbis mumbo-jumbo, Expecto Patronum, sussussudio, yo momma… I call upon the Mormon spirits to leave your body the fuck alone. Brother Edward, in this world you had to put up with Mitt Romney. You’ve suffered enough!
Republicans don’t even acknowledge that racism exists. There were a couple of new stats in the paper last week. One showed how blacks were treated way worse than whites by mortgage lenders. The other was about Haley Barbour, the governor of Mississippi who just pardoned like 200 prisoners as he was leaving office. Two thirds of the prisoners he pardoned were white, even though the prison population in Mississippi is two thirds black. And another study found that the odds would be ONE TRILLION TO ONE that that would be coincidental.
And what is the Republican solution to these outrageous inequalities? There isn’t one. And that’s the point. Denying racism is the new racism. To not acknowledge those statistics, to think of that as a ‘black problem’ and not an American problem. To believe, as a majority of FOX (News) viewers do, that reverse-racism is a bigger problem than racism, that’s racist.
[Mitt Romney] said in the debate, the last debate, that he wanted everyone to be rich. That seems to be the line from the Republican Party, which, of course, is just a complete fantasy. Herman Cain, of course, famously said recently that “If you`re not rich, blame yourself.” This is what really bothers me, this idea that somehow we can all be rich…that is one of the stupidest things I`ve ever heard any politician say. I want everybody to be rich. First of all, if everybody was rich, who would do the things that rich people hire people to do for them? Rich people need poor people to work for them.
And this idea that Herman Cain said “If you`re not rich, blame yourself” — this is what bothers me about rich people. They don`t, first of all, as Elizabeth Warren said, they don`t cotton to the idea they wouldn`t be rich if they didn`t have this great country that provides the roads and the schools and all the other things that allow them to be rich. But also this idea, they never understand - it`s a FLUKE mostly, that what you do is something that made you rich. Yes, if you throw a baseball 100 miles an hour or even what I do — I mean, I`m not humble about some things. But I`m very humble about the fact that telling jokes is something that gets you a lot of money. That is a complete fluke — and so is owning pizza parlors.
Yes, Herman Cain was good at business. Great. He became very rich from it. But what about teachers and cops and firemen? You know those people we always say are our “heroes”. They`re such heroes that we pay them like crap. Well, they do what they do very well. It just doesn`t happen to be something that is ever going to make you rich. So, this idea that if you`re not rich, blame yourself — oh, it really bugs me.
And they resent the Republican mantra that the market perfectly rewards the hard-working and punishes the lazy, and the poor are just jealous moochers who want a handout. Yeah, because if there’s one group of people who hate handouts, it’s Wall Street.